Angels represented in the Mitchell Report
Part One: The "Who Gives a Shit?"s
1) Jason Christiansen: He pitched 3 2/3 innings in his Angels' career. I actually remember the acquisition for him, and was even at a game for one of his appearances. His tenure was basically just a long-delayed layover flight between clubs. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.
2) Bart Miadich: Anyone who remembers who this is or recalls his 12 career innings pitched with the Angels aside from Bart himself, or his immediate family is just a fucking liar. Next.
3) Adam Riggs: The highlight of his career with the Angels was getting his name misspelled on his jersey. Yawn.
4) Glenallen Hill: I sorta liked him during his days as a Giants player. Still sorta do. Thanks for the .318 OPS in 66 at-bats though, man. We couldn't have been the same 2001 team without it.
5) Jason Grimsley: Everyone already knew he'd be in this report before it even surfaced. Thankfully this abortion of a pitcher only spent 1996 with us, in which time he still managed to single-handedly bring a franchise to its knees with his 6.84ERA. God knows what he would have done without 'roids.
6) Derrick Turnbow: We all knew he'd be here after his positive test ages ago. He's not our problem, nor has he ever really been. He pitched less than 60 career innings for the franchise, before deciding to not suck for about a season with the Brewers. I sorta miss his goofy face.
7) Kent Mercker: Really? Him? I could have hit his stuff at age 14...when he was throwing 48 1/3 innings of 6.52ERA ball for the 2000 Angels. Irrelevant.
8) Ismael Valdez: Hey Dodgers, thanks for your leftovers. Next time you can keep them. His inclusion in the list, like so many others, means nothing to our franchise. The Angels were just a pit-stop on his road trip of a career through mediocrity.
Part Two: They stayed in the fridge a couple weeks past expiration
9) Brendan Donnelly: We all liked him for a while when he was a lights-out set-up man for the '02 Angels. Remember that time that Bernie Williams called him "Donaldson" after a game? He took his performance enhancers after the '02 series, so he's really just a footnote. Especially since we've all come to hate him and his pine-tar bullshit, along with the fact that he was just sort of a horrible human being.
10) Scott Schoenweis: Jack of all trades, master of none. And by 'jack of all trades', I mean he could stand on the mound in either relief or as a starter and manage to not cause your team to fall into a twelve run deficit. And by 'master of none', I mean he damn well might try his hardest to make it an eleven run deficit. He was with the Angels for the '02 run, but again was not linked to anything that makes that title even marginally tainted...which would have required him to be relevant for that team in the first place.
11) Mo Vaughn: Oh boy. I'm not gonna even touch this one. Needless to say, Vaughn's inclusion in the report was likely a mix-up. I'm sure Vaughn simply thought HGH was a new type of Krispy Kreme filling. Thanks for the dugout tumble, buddy.
12) Paul Byrd: Actually, he was pretty decent as an Angel. He was quiet, unassuming, had a small built-in fanbase, and kept you in games almost every time out. It's a little sad to see him on the list, but we all already knew he was going to be there.
13) Randy Velarde: Boy, that's a hell of a name-drop. I remember rooting for him as a kid and being sad to see him shipped off right as I thought he was coming around. Then we traded him for Jeff DaVanon...who hit for the cycle at a game I went to. Oh, how easily one memory is replaced with another. Another name you're sort of disappointed to see, and then quickly realize it doesn't mean a thing.
Part Three: I guess, if you squint real hard, you can sorta see how that's relevant
14) Troy Glaus: Used post 2002. Following injury troubles. Shortly before he found himself on someone else's team. This really couldn't be much less of a problem for the Angels. But he was a franchise cornerstone for a while, and did win the World Series MVP, so it's certainly a big name to see coming from this investigation.
15) Gary Matthews Jr.: We all already knew it. We all already have the garbage name picked out for him, and have been using it for a year now. He used HGH. When it wasn't illegal in the game. And he's likely not using anymore. And he's been a decent player for us...post-juicing. The relevance is solely found in the money he's being paid, and the fact that he's actually with us right now. His mention on this list changes nothing in the minds of the millions of Americans who watch baseball, compared to what they were thinking last year.
16) Wally Joyner: He used. After he left the Angels. Long after. Then he felt so freakin' bad about it, that he flushed the rest of his pills down the toilet. He took three pills in all, he said. During spring training. He comes out of this looking like a boy scout.
And what goes for Joyner, a franchise icon, goes for the whole franchise as well. This team has come out of the Mitchell report without a real scratch. They are untarnished, and look about ready to stay as such. And I'm sure we all couldn't be happier that that's the case. We can all breathe easier knowing now that the Angels of past and present have set an example for all of baseball to follow.
That is, after we apologize for being a pit-stop to a bunch of second-tier nobodies who happened to find a home here for about a week at a time. I think this sentence here is apology enough for that. But really, Grimsley should be the one apologizing...for offending all of the pitchers out there who know how to throw a clean 6.84ERA.